Traffic Warden abuse

Last time I was with Dad in Shrewsbury he stopped a traffic Warden and demanded a ticket. It took ages to make the guy understand that Dad was illegally parked and should therefore be issued a ticket. The warden was trying desperately to let Dad off but he wouldn't have it. In the end dad told him he would go to the police station instead as they would be more forceful about it. There was quite a large crowd gathered witnessing this unusual behaviour, all of whom will have gone home with an amusing anecdote.... The warden walked away in the end, shaking his head and Dad never got a ticket. Just as well because he'd come up on the train anyway.

Montpellier trip

Dad and a group of friends & wives were booked to go to the south of France some years ago and it was the day they were flying, from Birmingham. They were all meeting at the airport with dad travelling the furthest from Cardiff. They didn't have his new phone number and he had none of theirs so I was the unexpected "middle man". He was travelling by train andf half way there realised he didn't have his passport. Via me, he got word to them that he had to go back to Cardiff to collect it, naturally making everyone assume there was a good chance he'd miss the flight. There were updates gallore as trains were delayed, busses missed and general concern that he wouldn't make it on time. After a load of panic and the rest of the crowd deciding he'd missed the flight and they'd have to go without him, they went through the gate into the departure lounge where they found dad sitting reading a book.
"Where have you been? - I was getting worried", he said.

They had to drive from Montpellier to their destination in the night and had no maps. It took nearly all night and everyone was getting very frustrated, except dad, of course. To add to the frustration, he kept saying, "If it was me driving, I wouldn't have started from here".

When they arrived at their beautifull, expensive villa on the coast, they were shattered and went straight to bed. Chris took dad's shoes and put them straight in a bucket containing bleach before uttering the immortal sentence, "Jesus our kid, isn't it about time you sorted your personal hygene out?". Dad said he had had washed his feet and they weren't too bad. "What did you wash them with - they aren't smelling too clever, Ken?" asked Chris. "Toothpaste - nice and minty", replied dad.

Clive awoke early in the morning and went for a walk on the beach, making his way over to a lovely looking restaurant. He found dad, bright as a button, looking out to sea at 7am, eating a plate of oysters and half way through a bottle of red. If only he'd learned about robbing banks earlier in his life!

Robbing banks

About 10 years ago, Dad leaned something that changed his life. He learned that not repaying a bank loan is not a criminal offense and you can't go to prison. They have every right to take every last possession but you won't get put away.
I helped him move house once. This involved me carrying a portable TV down some stairs while Dad carried a plastic bag with clothes in it. That was it.
So, these offers for loans from banks kept coming through his letterbox - £5k here, £7k there. He ended up with over £70k in total which he'd accumulated over about a year. He never paid a penny back and said it was the bank's fault for offering a loan he couldn't resist. Many people reading this will think that's awful. Well, Dad didn't care and neither do I!

Hide your flowers

One of Dad's friends was telling me the other day about the 1st time he met him.

"He was at a party eating an onion as if it were an apple whilst having an appartently normal conversation with someone. Then he poured gin into his mouth from a teapot, said "excuse me a moment" and ate ALL of the flowers in a vase before returning to his conversation and his onion. Throughout the evening your dad proceeded to eat every flower in the house and I thought I just had to introduce myself.

I'm not making this up or exaggerating."

Coaching Jansher Khan, world squash champion

Chris

At the British open squash championship in Birmingham we sneaked down to the courtside seats that we always wangled (but never paid for) to settle down for the final.
As usual, Jansher Khan was walking away with the match - he won it 6 times over the years - the Federer of squash. After winning the 2nd game, Jansher was on his way back to his seat and his coach, Satinder Bajwa, was walking over to mentor the master in the break. Chris leaned over the barrier and said, "er, excuse me sir". The coach looked up quizzingly and Chris came out with the following:

"Just a bit of advice, try getting him to change his grip and hold the racket at a slightly more inclined angle - that should help his follow through and give him a bit more control over the ball".

I don't remember the greatest coach of all time giving an answer....