Dad
It was Dad's 40th and he'd never managed a proper 24 hour drinking session before. 12 hours had been easy but 24 had eluded him until now. This is not namby pamby drinking - 1 pint an hour, it is 3 pints an hour but with plenty of water taken on board too, to avoid death.
He hired the indoor cricket centre for whom he was working and they messed up with the licensing, meaning nobody had to pay for booze. Good start! It was a good party but I don't remember too much as Will and I had drunk somewhere between 11 and 15 bottles of pills each (we were only 13).
I was awoken at 7.30am by somebody rocking the van I seemed to be sleeping in. They knew Dad apparently and said I had to go and "have a look at him", so I did. As I followed this guy up a drive and past the side of a house, an elderly couple were leaving their house on the other side of the fence, shaking their heads and looking fairly displeased, probably off to church as it was now Sunday. As I went through the gate into the back garden, I noticed why the neighbours were a little agitated. Dad was sitting in a small pond trying to catch fish, naked.
From there, he managed a further 4.5 hours solid drinking, thus getting his personal record, but then we had to leave because Dad kept answering the phone of the house by screaming down it which wasn't good for the owner's business, apparently.
Saturday, 27 November 2010
Friday, 26 November 2010
Queen stabs intruder with tooth pic
Dad
When working for the Birmingham Post, dad was given a load of headed but blank posters. He wrote:
"Queen stabs intruder with tooth pic" on them all and put them up all around Birmingham, hanging around to watch people's responses.
When working for the Birmingham Post, dad was given a load of headed but blank posters. He wrote:
"Queen stabs intruder with tooth pic" on them all and put them up all around Birmingham, hanging around to watch people's responses.
Sunday, 21 November 2010
Head nearly cut off
Dad
When he was young, his friend John Parkes, pushed him through a plate glass door and a huge shard of glass severed his neck. He had 70 stitches and has a scar 10 inches long. It missed his jugular by mm.
In the hospital his dad came to see how he was.
"Had you been drinking?", he asked, and knowing him too well added, "Don't nod, your head will fall off".
His Aunt also visited and bought him some grapes. She didn't ask how he was, informed him of her friend's terrible cold and ate all the grapes.
When he was young, his friend John Parkes, pushed him through a plate glass door and a huge shard of glass severed his neck. He had 70 stitches and has a scar 10 inches long. It missed his jugular by mm.
In the hospital his dad came to see how he was.
"Had you been drinking?", he asked, and knowing him too well added, "Don't nod, your head will fall off".
His Aunt also visited and bought him some grapes. She didn't ask how he was, informed him of her friend's terrible cold and ate all the grapes.
In the cells 2
Dad
In the morning, after waking in a police cell, Dad was asked, "would you like breakfast?"
"Can I see the menu?", he enquired.
He got neither breakfast nor lunch.
In the morning, after waking in a police cell, Dad was asked, "would you like breakfast?"
"Can I see the menu?", he enquired.
He got neither breakfast nor lunch.
Chess in a cupboard
Dad and Uncle Chris
From about the age of 14, Dad and Chris played in a chess league. They had one friend who was, and is, one of the nicest people you could ever wish to meet called Rob Harding, who also played in the league.
They told Rob that their dad didn't like them playing chess so they had to play under the stairs, and because he was the smallest he had to go in the narrow end, crammed in with all the coats. They would play a move then leave Rob in there for ages before going back in and making another move.
It was only Rob - their dad had no problem and all their other matches were played in the front room.
It went on for years.
From about the age of 14, Dad and Chris played in a chess league. They had one friend who was, and is, one of the nicest people you could ever wish to meet called Rob Harding, who also played in the league.
They told Rob that their dad didn't like them playing chess so they had to play under the stairs, and because he was the smallest he had to go in the narrow end, crammed in with all the coats. They would play a move then leave Rob in there for ages before going back in and making another move.
It was only Rob - their dad had no problem and all their other matches were played in the front room.
It went on for years.
car crash
Dad
Dad was driving down a road and stopped to see potential humour in an accident that had just occurred.
Two cars had collided head on, they were crumpled and steam was bellowing everywhere. The two drivers were stood opposite each other, exchanging details, when Dad wondered over to inteject.
He tugged the arm of one of the men and said, "excuse me".
"Yes", the guy snapped back.
"I think you've had a bump".
He kept a straight face while the guy stared at him, shaking.
"I fucking know I have", was his response.
Dad laughed all the way home.
Dad was driving down a road and stopped to see potential humour in an accident that had just occurred.
Two cars had collided head on, they were crumpled and steam was bellowing everywhere. The two drivers were stood opposite each other, exchanging details, when Dad wondered over to inteject.
He tugged the arm of one of the men and said, "excuse me".
"Yes", the guy snapped back.
"I think you've had a bump".
He kept a straight face while the guy stared at him, shaking.
"I fucking know I have", was his response.
Dad laughed all the way home.
Cheating in the Adelphi
Dad
Dad had taken his girlfriend out to the Adelphi in Liverpool for the evening. They had a few drinks and his girlfriend went to bed.
Dad stayed up, blagged his way into a party downstairs and pulled a really nice looking girl. They got another room.
After no sleep, at 6am he left the room and went to the nearest newsagents and bought a newspaper.
He went back to the room he'd booked with his girlfriend, opened the door and closed it noisily, opened the curtains and said, "morning honey!".
When she asked what he was doing, he said he'd been up for ages, been out and bought a paper and was getting bored waiting for her to wake up. She never found out.
Dad had taken his girlfriend out to the Adelphi in Liverpool for the evening. They had a few drinks and his girlfriend went to bed.
Dad stayed up, blagged his way into a party downstairs and pulled a really nice looking girl. They got another room.
After no sleep, at 6am he left the room and went to the nearest newsagents and bought a newspaper.
He went back to the room he'd booked with his girlfriend, opened the door and closed it noisily, opened the curtains and said, "morning honey!".
When she asked what he was doing, he said he'd been up for ages, been out and bought a paper and was getting bored waiting for her to wake up. She never found out.
Stag night
Dad
On his stag night, Dad became wet through due to an incident involving a fountain. They headed for their favourite curry house and he ordered his meal wearing only his underpants.
Within less than 5 minutes of the food arriving, he was naked, underpants hanging from a chandelier. Luckily it was full of people who knew him, including the owners, so everyone just carried on - no police or anything.
On his stag night, Dad became wet through due to an incident involving a fountain. They headed for their favourite curry house and he ordered his meal wearing only his underpants.
Within less than 5 minutes of the food arriving, he was naked, underpants hanging from a chandelier. Luckily it was full of people who knew him, including the owners, so everyone just carried on - no police or anything.
Heavy news
Dad
He used to take the unsold newspapers from the Birmingham Post and mail to the recycling depot and weigh it in for profit, which he could keep. He started off just leaving the newspapers outside for a week in the rain to get them really heavy. He'd get his empty van weighed then fetch the papers and weigh the van again.
Once everyone knew him, they'd not check what he was doing so he started weighing the van empty then picking his friend and wife up as well as the papers before weighing in again. More than doubled his profit overnight. Then he was sacked.
He used to take the unsold newspapers from the Birmingham Post and mail to the recycling depot and weigh it in for profit, which he could keep. He started off just leaving the newspapers outside for a week in the rain to get them really heavy. He'd get his empty van weighed then fetch the papers and weigh the van again.
Once everyone knew him, they'd not check what he was doing so he started weighing the van empty then picking his friend and wife up as well as the papers before weighing in again. More than doubled his profit overnight. Then he was sacked.
Tied up in a call
Uncle Chris
A really pissed guy was making a phone call from a phone box near to where Chris and his mate were staying. Chris found a length of rope and tied it round the phone box without the guy noticing. They didn't wait around to find out what happened unfortunately, as they had other arrangements.
A really pissed guy was making a phone call from a phone box near to where Chris and his mate were staying. Chris found a length of rope and tied it round the phone box without the guy noticing. They didn't wait around to find out what happened unfortunately, as they had other arrangements.
Dad could be really offensive at times
Dad
Dad and I were walking along Welsh walls, slightly faster than Mr x and his short but deadly side-kick, Mr y.
I use X and Y because these fellas were notoriously hard skinheads and if by some chance they are not in prison, it would not be wise for me to disclose their names in this blog.
Dad thought they looked ridiculous and deemed it best to let them know that they were not to his liking.
"Oi, you." Dad shouted.
Oh shit, I thought, knowing who they were. We all stopped walking.
"What?" asked Mr x
"Your pooh smells"
I don't remember any more of the story because I've never run so hard in my life.
Dad and I were walking along Welsh walls, slightly faster than Mr x and his short but deadly side-kick, Mr y.
I use X and Y because these fellas were notoriously hard skinheads and if by some chance they are not in prison, it would not be wise for me to disclose their names in this blog.
Dad thought they looked ridiculous and deemed it best to let them know that they were not to his liking.
"Oi, you." Dad shouted.
Oh shit, I thought, knowing who they were. We all stopped walking.
"What?" asked Mr x
"Your pooh smells"
I don't remember any more of the story because I've never run so hard in my life.
Eating stuff 2
Dad
Dad was at a party celebrating something big. Someone had bought about £2000 worth of a white drug, commonly used in the music business. The same person had hidden the packet before the party started but now the party was in full swing, he couldn't remember where it was. It should be pointed out that Dad didn't use white powder.....
In a separate room, Dad had sat (pissed) in a circle where everyone was getting stoned. He prefers his drink. An American guy called Brad, who was acting like Marlon Brando and thought he was the coolest person on the planet, kept skinning up with "special Moroccan black". Every time the joint got round to Dad, he ate it until Brad got right in his face and said the immortal words: "you've got a fuckin' oral fixation, man", prompting Dad to leave the room laughing, hard.
He then bumped into another friend who was looking for the white powder, who asked him if he'd seen the "special drugs".
"I've eaten it", Dad said, thinking he meant this Moroccan black with which he'd orally fixated.
Knowing that it was MORE than possible that Dad would eat several ounces of coke in one go just to be remembered for doing it, his friend said "Jesus Christ", turned and ran off to call an ambulance.
Dad was at a party celebrating something big. Someone had bought about £2000 worth of a white drug, commonly used in the music business. The same person had hidden the packet before the party started but now the party was in full swing, he couldn't remember where it was. It should be pointed out that Dad didn't use white powder.....
In a separate room, Dad had sat (pissed) in a circle where everyone was getting stoned. He prefers his drink. An American guy called Brad, who was acting like Marlon Brando and thought he was the coolest person on the planet, kept skinning up with "special Moroccan black". Every time the joint got round to Dad, he ate it until Brad got right in his face and said the immortal words: "you've got a fuckin' oral fixation, man", prompting Dad to leave the room laughing, hard.
He then bumped into another friend who was looking for the white powder, who asked him if he'd seen the "special drugs".
"I've eaten it", Dad said, thinking he meant this Moroccan black with which he'd orally fixated.
Knowing that it was MORE than possible that Dad would eat several ounces of coke in one go just to be remembered for doing it, his friend said "Jesus Christ", turned and ran off to call an ambulance.
Eating stuff 1
Dad
After being insulted in the bar by someone he just beaten at squash, Dad decided to get his revenge by eating his chalk to prevent him playing pool properly. In total he eat 3 cubes before being told to leave by management.
After being insulted in the bar by someone he just beaten at squash, Dad decided to get his revenge by eating his chalk to prevent him playing pool properly. In total he eat 3 cubes before being told to leave by management.
No glasses beyond this point
Dad
Out for another lunch with me when he was working for Ronson. We were drinking in the nice bit of Birmingham, by the canals. There's a bridge over one canal, just next to one of the restaurants with a sign saying, "no glasses beyond this point", obviously because people were walking off with their drinks.
For a good 5 minutes Dad refused to let anyone over the bridge if they were wearing glasses.
I thought the police were going to be called so I shouted over, "they are showing a documentary on stencils on the telly, Dad", which he took as a good cue to walk away and let people through. We make a good team. Like an invalid and his carer.
Out for another lunch with me when he was working for Ronson. We were drinking in the nice bit of Birmingham, by the canals. There's a bridge over one canal, just next to one of the restaurants with a sign saying, "no glasses beyond this point", obviously because people were walking off with their drinks.
For a good 5 minutes Dad refused to let anyone over the bridge if they were wearing glasses.
I thought the police were going to be called so I shouted over, "they are showing a documentary on stencils on the telly, Dad", which he took as a good cue to walk away and let people through. We make a good team. Like an invalid and his carer.
Bit of a brut, the old man
Dad and Uncle Chris
The pair were 10 and 12 ish and being picked on by a gang of big older lads. They were trying their best to defend themselves when their Dad showed up. He was 6'2" and about 20 stones - massive and one of the best boxers in the Midlands in his youth. He went straight for the oldest, biggest bully, picked him up like a log above his head and threw him into a wall. The others ran off.
The pair were 10 and 12 ish and being picked on by a gang of big older lads. They were trying their best to defend themselves when their Dad showed up. He was 6'2" and about 20 stones - massive and one of the best boxers in the Midlands in his youth. He went straight for the oldest, biggest bully, picked him up like a log above his head and threw him into a wall. The others ran off.
Nearly being thrown out of British Open squash Championships
Dad and Clive
Having spent the day lubricating his throat with Me, Will, Uncle Chris and Clive, Dad was warned 3 times during the final of the British Open not to keep shouting "lucky" after every point won by the Aussie.
During the same event, Clive convinced a couple that he :
A) had made his living by selling aquaducts
B) was so vicious as a baby that to be fed, rusks had to be fired through the slats in his pram with a catapult
Having spent the day lubricating his throat with Me, Will, Uncle Chris and Clive, Dad was warned 3 times during the final of the British Open not to keep shouting "lucky" after every point won by the Aussie.
During the same event, Clive convinced a couple that he :
A) had made his living by selling aquaducts
B) was so vicious as a baby that to be fed, rusks had to be fired through the slats in his pram with a catapult
Robbins time
Dad and Uncle Chris
At their local squash club they would change the time on the clock in the court in order to get more time playing. This became known as "Robbins time" until management found out and stopped everybody doing it by putting locked guards round the clocks.
At their local squash club they would change the time on the clock in the court in order to get more time playing. This became known as "Robbins time" until management found out and stopped everybody doing it by putting locked guards round the clocks.
Embarrassing mom 1
Dad
Mom's just told me this one.
Dad used to stop the car to ask strangers for directions and whilst they were talking, he would drive off very slowly and see how far he could get them to walk as they talked before he went too fast for them to keep up.
Mom used to hate it when he did this with her in the car.
Mom's just told me this one.
Dad used to stop the car to ask strangers for directions and whilst they were talking, he would drive off very slowly and see how far he could get them to walk as they talked before he went too fast for them to keep up.
Mom used to hate it when he did this with her in the car.
Mental as Anything - you bet ya
Dad
Australia 1985. Dad goes to see Mental as Anything at an arena in Perth and stands near the front. Dad really can't sing and certainly didn't know any of their songs.
Dad was being unusual, as usual, and got the singer's attention. Between songs, the singer asked if Dad would like to sing the next song.
"No, but I can count to 10 in German", was Dad's reply, into the mic.
"Ok then, go for it...." replied Reg Mombasa, the singer.
"Eins, zwei, drei etc" Dad gets a big round of applause.
"Wow, that was amazing", said Reg, sarcastically. "do you know anything else?"
"I can do a pig squeal", replied Dad, and did, getting the biggest applause of the night.
Another alcohol fueled evening with the headcase.
Australia 1985. Dad goes to see Mental as Anything at an arena in Perth and stands near the front. Dad really can't sing and certainly didn't know any of their songs.
Dad was being unusual, as usual, and got the singer's attention. Between songs, the singer asked if Dad would like to sing the next song.
"No, but I can count to 10 in German", was Dad's reply, into the mic.
"Ok then, go for it...." replied Reg Mombasa, the singer.
"Eins, zwei, drei etc" Dad gets a big round of applause.
"Wow, that was amazing", said Reg, sarcastically. "do you know anything else?"
"I can do a pig squeal", replied Dad, and did, getting the biggest applause of the night.
Another alcohol fueled evening with the headcase.
Revenge is best served hot and sweaty
Uncle Chris
Chris was playing in a tournament and heard that someone in the other team had been slagging him off. As it happened, he met this chap in the semi final of the tournament and beat him 9-0, 9-0, 9-0. He said it was the hardest thing he's ever done as the guy was a strong player but there was no way he was going to, "let the little twat get a single point".
Not much of a story if you don't compete at sport or know Chris but I thought it was worth documenting!
Chris was playing in a tournament and heard that someone in the other team had been slagging him off. As it happened, he met this chap in the semi final of the tournament and beat him 9-0, 9-0, 9-0. He said it was the hardest thing he's ever done as the guy was a strong player but there was no way he was going to, "let the little twat get a single point".
Not much of a story if you don't compete at sport or know Chris but I thought it was worth documenting!
Who's afraid of a few rugby players?
Uncle Chris
Chris is a big bugger. Played for Aston Villa reserves then changed to squash. One evening he played a squash match at Darleston Rugby Club. After the match, he went to the bar where the whole room was full of rugby players watching the rugby world cup final and shouting the place down.
He calmly wondered over to the telly, turned over to Coronation Street and stood in front of it without saying a word.
He had to run for his life in the end but he said it was well worth it just to see the looks on all their faces.
Chris is a big bugger. Played for Aston Villa reserves then changed to squash. One evening he played a squash match at Darleston Rugby Club. After the match, he went to the bar where the whole room was full of rugby players watching the rugby world cup final and shouting the place down.
He calmly wondered over to the telly, turned over to Coronation Street and stood in front of it without saying a word.
He had to run for his life in the end but he said it was well worth it just to see the looks on all their faces.
Dad and Clive's 1st meeting
Dad and Clive
Dad was driving the wrong way up a stretch of dual carriageway at night in the early 1970's, pissed, and got to a roundabout. As he was going around it (the wrong way) he saw a police car parked with the officer staring at him in disbelief, so he waved like a maniac. To his surprise the policeman waved back and did nothing. That would be because it was Clive.
This is the 1st time the pair "met" though didn't realise it was each other until a couple of years after they started playing squash regularly when the incident came up in the bar after a match.
Dad was driving the wrong way up a stretch of dual carriageway at night in the early 1970's, pissed, and got to a roundabout. As he was going around it (the wrong way) he saw a police car parked with the officer staring at him in disbelief, so he waved like a maniac. To his surprise the policeman waved back and did nothing. That would be because it was Clive.
This is the 1st time the pair "met" though didn't realise it was each other until a couple of years after they started playing squash regularly when the incident came up in the bar after a match.
Getting to know the Wolves manager
Uncle Chris and Dad
Rather than paying to join squash clubs, the pair used to sneak in wherever possible. They were trying to get into Kingswinford squash club many years ago and had seen the "guest list" (people down to play that day). Dad saw a name and pretended to be Mark Jones while Chris saw the name Bill McGarry and said he was him.
"So, you are Bill McGarry?", the chap on the door said. "Funny that, so am I"
They ended up having some really good banter and became good friends (as well as being let in on the day). Shortly after Bill became the manager of Wolves for 8 years.
Rather than paying to join squash clubs, the pair used to sneak in wherever possible. They were trying to get into Kingswinford squash club many years ago and had seen the "guest list" (people down to play that day). Dad saw a name and pretended to be Mark Jones while Chris saw the name Bill McGarry and said he was him.
"So, you are Bill McGarry?", the chap on the door said. "Funny that, so am I"
They ended up having some really good banter and became good friends (as well as being let in on the day). Shortly after Bill became the manager of Wolves for 8 years.
Saturday, 20 November 2010
The annoying neighbour
Uncle Chris
His annoying neighbour keeps emptying his car ashtray in the car park, so Chris collects it up and posts it through his letter box.
His annoying neighbour keeps emptying his car ashtray in the car park, so Chris collects it up and posts it through his letter box.
Tanni Grey Thompson
Dad
At a sporty doo, Dad was introduced to Dame Tanni Grey Thompson, the paralympics wonder.
"Wow, great to meet you Tammi - I'm your biggest fan".
"Are you really?", Tanni replied.
"Yes, I've read all your books".
Tanni nearly fell out of her chair laughing.
At a sporty doo, Dad was introduced to Dame Tanni Grey Thompson, the paralympics wonder.
"Wow, great to meet you Tammi - I'm your biggest fan".
"Are you really?", Tanni replied.
"Yes, I've read all your books".
Tanni nearly fell out of her chair laughing.
Thrown out of Bangles concert, Australia
Dad
John Parkes spun Dad round so fast in a shopping trolley at a Bangles concert in Perth, 1985, that when he got out, he staggered sideways with dizzyness and wiped out a big bunch of people dancing, thus starting a fight and causing him and John to be shown the door.
John Parkes spun Dad round so fast in a shopping trolley at a Bangles concert in Perth, 1985, that when he got out, he staggered sideways with dizzyness and wiped out a big bunch of people dancing, thus starting a fight and causing him and John to be shown the door.
The dude and the trousers
Dad
Dad had a good job with Ronson and took me to a nice pub in Birmingham once for lunch. At the bar, Dad got talking to a young lad with rips in his jeans that were hanging down his arse. When Dad asked if he knew he had ripped his jeans, the lad said it was the trend and he bought them like that.
Dad asked the barman if he could borrow the lemon knife for a second and cut a huge hole in his new £200 suit trousers.
"Like that?" he asked the lad.
Dad had a good job with Ronson and took me to a nice pub in Birmingham once for lunch. At the bar, Dad got talking to a young lad with rips in his jeans that were hanging down his arse. When Dad asked if he knew he had ripped his jeans, the lad said it was the trend and he bought them like that.
Dad asked the barman if he could borrow the lemon knife for a second and cut a huge hole in his new £200 suit trousers.
"Like that?" he asked the lad.
Lindos, Rhodes 1995
Dad and Chris
I spent the summer of 1995 in Rhodes, Greece with my cousin, Will, working and humping tourists. This is when I became aware that women are certainly no better than men when it comes to faithfulness, but that's another, less interesting story.
Dad and Chris came over to visit for a week. They drank from 10am til 12am or 1am every night and the whole town became aware of them, for a multitude of reasons but they managed to cost me my job on each of 5 out of the 7 nights they were there. The Greeks treat workers like shit. You just get used to it after a while. But Dad and Chris couldn't hack it. At one point, Chris had Menoli, a bar owner, pegged up against a wall by his throat for not saying "sorry" to me after bumping into me. End of that job. End of trip too - Menoli was Mafia.
Dad managed to get Socrates, another bar owner who was vastly overweight, to leap over his bar at us for saying something or other to him - another job gone.
When Dad arrived on that trip, he found where I lived, knocked on the door and shouted, "Timmy, Daddy's here". I was 'busy' with a tourist, so shouted back, "I'm just making love to a beautiful girl from Norway, Dad", thinking he'd get the message and bugger off for 1/2 an hour.
"Oooh - can I have a go, son?" came the reply. Incidentally, he had with him the biggest bottle of vodka I have ever seen, which was very nearly empty. Him and Chris had helped each other (physically lifting) drink it all day.
I spent the summer of 1995 in Rhodes, Greece with my cousin, Will, working and humping tourists. This is when I became aware that women are certainly no better than men when it comes to faithfulness, but that's another, less interesting story.
Dad and Chris came over to visit for a week. They drank from 10am til 12am or 1am every night and the whole town became aware of them, for a multitude of reasons but they managed to cost me my job on each of 5 out of the 7 nights they were there. The Greeks treat workers like shit. You just get used to it after a while. But Dad and Chris couldn't hack it. At one point, Chris had Menoli, a bar owner, pegged up against a wall by his throat for not saying "sorry" to me after bumping into me. End of that job. End of trip too - Menoli was Mafia.
Dad managed to get Socrates, another bar owner who was vastly overweight, to leap over his bar at us for saying something or other to him - another job gone.
When Dad arrived on that trip, he found where I lived, knocked on the door and shouted, "Timmy, Daddy's here". I was 'busy' with a tourist, so shouted back, "I'm just making love to a beautiful girl from Norway, Dad", thinking he'd get the message and bugger off for 1/2 an hour.
"Oooh - can I have a go, son?" came the reply. Incidentally, he had with him the biggest bottle of vodka I have ever seen, which was very nearly empty. Him and Chris had helped each other (physically lifting) drink it all day.
In the cells 1
Dad
I was locked up for the night when I was 18 (for light crimes against humanity) and was petrified of what dad was going to say when I spoke to him shortly after wards.
"so, you spent the night in a cell, did you Tim?". His voice was cold.
"Yes", I replied, staring at the floor.
"Cold in there, isn't it?" He said.
I didn't think we'd both be laughing about it all that soon after but I guess I should've known.
I was locked up for the night when I was 18 (for light crimes against humanity) and was petrified of what dad was going to say when I spoke to him shortly after wards.
"so, you spent the night in a cell, did you Tim?". His voice was cold.
"Yes", I replied, staring at the floor.
"Cold in there, isn't it?" He said.
I didn't think we'd both be laughing about it all that soon after but I guess I should've known.
Possibly my favourite
Dad
Dad worked for the Evening Post in Birmingham and was lucky enough to be entrusted with a company van, but for company use only - i.e. work and back plus errands.
After only his first week with the van, he was called into the managers office for a tongue lashing. He was told that he was not allowed to take his girlfriend to work in the van, or pick her up, or use it all weekend (someone grassed him up). He was called into the office again a week later, having not even ignored the manager and told that this would be the final warning.
A week later he was back in the office again. The manager was sweating, red, veins on his neck showing and went absolutely nuts. He ranted for about 2 minutes, having called Dad all the names under the sun, until the office went quiet.
"Well, what have you got to say?" asked the boss.
"Any chance of a piggy-back-ride around your office?", Dad replied.
I think the story made it into the Evening Post, but I'm not sure.
Dad worked for the Evening Post in Birmingham and was lucky enough to be entrusted with a company van, but for company use only - i.e. work and back plus errands.
After only his first week with the van, he was called into the managers office for a tongue lashing. He was told that he was not allowed to take his girlfriend to work in the van, or pick her up, or use it all weekend (someone grassed him up). He was called into the office again a week later, having not even ignored the manager and told that this would be the final warning.
A week later he was back in the office again. The manager was sweating, red, veins on his neck showing and went absolutely nuts. He ranted for about 2 minutes, having called Dad all the names under the sun, until the office went quiet.
"Well, what have you got to say?" asked the boss.
"Any chance of a piggy-back-ride around your office?", Dad replied.
I think the story made it into the Evening Post, but I'm not sure.
Come on, your absolutely fine
Chris
Out shopping one day, Chris stopped to help an annoying neighbour reverse their car between a wall and another car. "Come on, your you're ok, come on, that's it. You're easy on - miles of room". BANG
Chris said nothing and walked off.
Out shopping one day, Chris stopped to help an annoying neighbour reverse their car between a wall and another car. "Come on, your you're ok, come on, that's it. You're easy on - miles of room". BANG
Chris said nothing and walked off.
Underpants
Uncle Chris
Chris played squash at a pretty high standard and many of his capers are targeted at the "tosser brigade" who used to play squash to brown-nose with bosses back in the day. He and Clive were getting changed and spotted a pair of piss stained, skid-marked underpants hanging off a peg. He and Clive commented on how disgusting they were and, as Clive was exiting the room to head for the courts, Chris said he'd "deal with them".
A couple of minutes later, Clive went back into the changing rooms for something and was welcomed by a cloud of smoke. He noticed the underpants had melted to the peg.
Chris played squash at a pretty high standard and many of his capers are targeted at the "tosser brigade" who used to play squash to brown-nose with bosses back in the day. He and Clive were getting changed and spotted a pair of piss stained, skid-marked underpants hanging off a peg. He and Clive commented on how disgusting they were and, as Clive was exiting the room to head for the courts, Chris said he'd "deal with them".
A couple of minutes later, Clive went back into the changing rooms for something and was welcomed by a cloud of smoke. He noticed the underpants had melted to the peg.
Busman's hat
Dad about 7 years ago
While driving through a busy town center alone in his car, Dad pulled up next to a bus on his left at some lights. He wound his passenger window down, leaned over and poked his head through as if to ask the bus driver a question. The bus driver duly leaned out of his window to hear what Dad was about to say. Dad whipped his hat off just as the lights changed and sped off. As I said, he was on his own.
I remember about 2 weeks later he returned the hat to the depot, which was just as well because the driver took his number and the police were due a visit.
While driving through a busy town center alone in his car, Dad pulled up next to a bus on his left at some lights. He wound his passenger window down, leaned over and poked his head through as if to ask the bus driver a question. The bus driver duly leaned out of his window to hear what Dad was about to say. Dad whipped his hat off just as the lights changed and sped off. As I said, he was on his own.
I remember about 2 weeks later he returned the hat to the depot, which was just as well because the driver took his number and the police were due a visit.
About this blog
Hello you wicked people you
I like a prank or two. It would be a bit sad of me to write about my own pranks so this blog is dedicated to the wonderful shenanigans of my father, his brother and Clive, an ex-policeman who was riddled with devilish ploys.
I will start the blog with a couple of entries, then try to add a new one each day until I have enough to write a book.
Unfortunately, I can not back any of this up with video footage or anything but some of them I was present at so can vouch for. I hope you enjoy them as much as we have.
I like a prank or two. It would be a bit sad of me to write about my own pranks so this blog is dedicated to the wonderful shenanigans of my father, his brother and Clive, an ex-policeman who was riddled with devilish ploys.
I will start the blog with a couple of entries, then try to add a new one each day until I have enough to write a book.
Unfortunately, I can not back any of this up with video footage or anything but some of them I was present at so can vouch for. I hope you enjoy them as much as we have.
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